Just working...

Quite often I find myself in a rather bizarre mindset. It's not quite procrastination because I'm doing the work, but it feels an awful lot like procrastination. Like I'm working but the work in and of itself is just a thing I need to get out of the way, and by doing the work in the first place I'm in someway procrastinating when it comes to some bigger goal.

Most recently the bigger goal has been Onus and the work "in the way" has been pretty much everything else. It's a frustrating place to be, especially as a filmmaker or a writer or whatever I'm calling myself these days (award-winning director sounds quite good actually...) because having work to do and to be getting paid for it is actually one of the key goals.

It's even more frustrating because, well, I actually quite enjoy the work. Editing or scripting or whatever, it's all stuff I really like spending time on and I feel genuinely lucky to be able to do that for money, and yet... man, I just want to go and work on Onus.

Perhaps this sort of push and pull or up and down mentality is something that's to be expected with the territory of "artist" or whatever (a note on "artist" as a title; please imagine I waved my hands about in an over-the-top fashion and spat the word in an outrageous French accent) but it sure is confusing as hell, and I, for one, would really like to just settle at some point and not worry about any of this.

Still, when you have stories you want to tell and feel like that is important and it's important for you to do that then I suppose it's part and parcel of the whole package (did that make sense or did I mix too many metaphors there?). You just have to get used to the idea of never really being totally happy unless that is what you're doing withe every waking hour.

Anyway, I've got some editing to do.

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© Alex Secker 2018